Last Updated on March 23, 2021 by Kirsten Raccuia
A few months back, I wrote about how painful it can be to move away from family. The loss, the guilt, the grief. The whole sloppy mess of emotions I’ve felt over the last 7 years.
Since writing that post, I’ve gotten daily emails from conflicted and broken-hearted people trying to figure out whether or not to move. I remember being in that place. Trying to figure out what’s right. I mean, it took us a decade to pull the trigger, and by us, I mean me.
When I wrote that post, I was too close and raw to recognize my own coping mechanisms. At the time, I felt like I wasn’t coping. I felt like shit. Which is why I blogged about it.
Now that I’ve taken a few steps back, I know how I handle the times when I feel so much guilt about living away from family.
This is my best advice for coping with moving away from your family and creating a happy expat life.
Live in the present
Look, if I had to do it over again, I would do it differently. VERY differently. But I’d still do it.
And I’d probably still have some of the guilt of moving far away from family. But I’ve learned how to deal with that guilt and sadness.
One of the things that bring me great joy is exploring the world around me. The world I’ve chosen to move to is fascinating and exotic, even after seven years.
So instead of feeling super low and depressed, Mark and I hop on the scooter and go explore.
Or head to the beach for sundowners.
Those are little things that we couldn’t do while living in Chicago. Things that I feel blessed to have at my doorstep. To take my mind off of it and help ground me in the moment.
Our lifestyle in Chicago didn’t allow for that. Or maybe it was the lifestyle we created, but owning two businesses meant living for vacation, not living for a 7pm sunset.
If you are so busy feeling badly about your move, you’ll never be able to find joy where you are at.
I’m a firm believer in blooming where you are planted. Thriving, not just surviving. You need to make the most of your new home.
Remember why you moved away from family in the first place
Did you move away from family for love? Was it for a job? For an adventure?
Whatever the reasons, they were strong enough to propel you to make a huge life-changing decision.
You didn’t make that decision willy-nilly. It’s not like you quit your job and sold your belongings on a Monday and left on a Tuesday. It takes oodles of preparation, and a lot of thought and planning goes into it. It’s a lifestyle change. Not a vacation that you book with a travel agent.
When I see a magnificent sunset or a cool Chinese temple, I remember why we moved in the first place. It was to experience new things. See more of the world’s beauty.
This is a fresh start — a chance to follow your dreams. Don’t squander it by dreaming of your old life.
Change your focus
This is a little mindset trick that works for most situations.
Stop focusing on the guilt feelings and start focusing on the fantastic opportunities you are surrounded by.
You know the phrase “snap out of it?” Well, that’s just changing your focus. Same-same.
When you move to a new place, it’s easy to stay home, feel lonely, and wonder if you’re going to regret moving away from family. You need to get out of your home and break your state of sadness – find something that brings you joy. Take a walk. Eat ice cream. Read a book. Whatever brings you joy.
If you can’t seem to change your state, call a friend, call your mom. Tell them how you are feeling. That works too.
I’m not telling you to ignore your feelings. That doesn’t work. They’ll be back to bite you in the ass when you least expect it. Trust me.
It just gets you to change your state of mind.
Give yourself permission to be happy
That’s huge. Really, it is.
Subconsciously, you might be feeling guilty for being excited or liking your new home. Well, stop that!
When you are living away from home, no one, including your family, wants you to be miserable. They may not love your decisions or even understand them, but they don’t want you to be unhappy. They love you.
It’s ok to enjoy your new country. You’re supposed to, or you wouldn’t have left and created all of this emotional mayhem.
Live YOUR life, not someone else’s
Is it selfish to move away from your family?
NO. It’s not.
Only you know what is right for you. Your family doesn’t. So make you happy.
And since when are you responsible for other people’s happiness? You can’t be. That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself. I know because that’s precisely what I did. And it’s a total mind-fuck until you realize it’s an impossible mission. Good luck with that.
My mom wasn’t happy about us leaving. She didn’t like our decision. And I’m sure she was pretty pissed in some ways too. But in the end, she wanted us to be happy. She wanted us to follow our dreams.
If we had stayed because we felt guilty about leaving her, she would have felt guilty for stopping us from following our dreams.
What an ugly endless cycle of guilt! It does nothing but destroy your happiness!
I recognize not everyone’s mom is as wonderfully supportive as mine, and for that I am sorry. That will make it harder. But you’ll just have to make a decision based on what is best for you.
Guilt can be crippling, and no one should be living their lives ruled by it.
On my death bed, I can promise you I’ll never say, “I’m so mad I followed my dreams.” I might say, “I wish I spent more time with family.” And that is a heart-breaker I’ll have to deal with. Sometimes it’s hard to have it all simultaneously.
At the end of the day, moving away from family and friends is up to you. But if you stop yourself from going because you feel too guilty, be sure to ask yourself, “Who’s life am I living – mine or theirs?”
At some point, you will start wondering what would have been. You might even begin to resent them for preventing your happiness.
You are not being selfish by following your dreams.
Accept the doubt when you move away from family
Some days you’ll swear you made the wrong decision. But those days will lessen over time as you create your new life.
It’s ok, you are human. Give yourself some grace. It’s an emotional roller coaster.
Don’t pick up and move when you are feeling so raw. It takes time to get into your new routine.
If you’re still really struggling after a year or more of living away, weigh the options. If going home, or somewhere else, will make you happier, then that is something to consider.
Don’t stay miserable. But don’t give up too soon either.
Life is short – don’t live it being ruled by guilt
I know that’s so cliché. But you know it’s true.
If you don’t follow your dreams now, then when? Will you wait until your parents die before you go? What if they live to be 102 like my gramma? I’m not trying to be harsh, but when does your life begin?
If your bestie came to you and said, she wanted to relocate but was worried about the guilt of moving away from elderly parents.
What would you tell her?
If both her parents were healthy and robust, you’d probably tell her to follow her dreams, and she can always move back when she feels the time is right.
Give yourself the same advice you’d give your bestie… make it happen!
If not now, when? There will NEVER be the perfect time when deciding to move away from family. You just have to go for it. You can always move back. Nothing is written in stone.
Know when it’s time to pack it up and move back (or somewhere closer)
It’s ok to go home. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It doesn’t mean you are taking a step backward. It means it’s time to move on.
If you find yourself unhappy more often than not, it doesn’t have to be forever.
It’s ok to make a change. Whatever that looks like for you. But do it because you are ready for it. Not because you are being guilted into to.
Know that home will be different because you are. You might not realize it, but you have changed. Repatriation isn’t a cakewalk either. Everything looks the same, but nothing will be.
What to do when your family makes you feel guilty for moving away
Try looking at it from their point of view. And be understanding. This affects them dearly too.
They are not thinking about it from your point of view. They are looking at it as a loss. And it is, in a way. All the usual things you would be there for, you’ll miss. That’s hard for everyone.
They love you and want you around. It’s not a bad thing. They aren’t trying to make you feel bad, but they know how much they will miss you, and that is extremely difficult. It all comes from a place of love. Love for family and love of self.
It’s time to choose you
It doesn’t matter if you’re moving out of state away from family or pulling a Raccuia and moving across the globe. At times, it still sucks.
But what are you going to do? Let it destroy you? Or your family? Or both?
No. You need to overcome the guilt of living far away from parents and bloom where you are planted. Or go back. There is no shame in that.
I’m not telling you that moving away from your family is the right thing to do. I am telling you it’s possible. And it can be done without letting the torture of guilt override the benefits and positivity that come with it.
At the end of the day, you have to choose you.
If you don’t, no one else will. Never feel guilty for wanting more.
If all else fails, have a good cry and call home.
PS: saying goodbye sucks, but your going away gifts don’t have to. Check out these brilliant gifts for friends and family. They’ll make you giggle and we all need that!
If you’ve moved away from family, how do you cope with the guilt? Tell me in the comments below.
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Hi Kirsten,
These articles have really been helpful even though I have been ugly crying while reading them 😆
I’m the oldest daughter, 25 years old and have been the third parent in my family for a long time (3 younger sibling).
My family relocated to mexico and I’ve been here for the past 2 years and although I tried to love it and start a life… I just don’t feel right here. In a month I’ll be moving back to my home country with my partner, my mother is trying to be supportive but I see how much this hurts her and my siblings and knowing that I can’t just drive and see her makes me feel so guilty and sad. I’ll be on the other side of the globe, though currently I have more opportunities there and I will be going to a place I know well… The sadness of leaving and the guilt are truly crippling at times.. I wish I could be closer and maybe in the future I will though right now I’m just dreading it all and hoping to feel better about my decision in time. fingers crossed 🤞
Hi Kaya,
I totally understand what you are going through. I ugly cried while writing them!
It’s a very difficult decision but at the end of the day, you need to make your life as beautiful as it can be. No one else can do that for you. And if that means moving to a different country then you owe it to yourself to do that. You only live once and there are no do-overs. I am sure your family wants you to be happy, no matter how hard it is.
Hang in there. It does get easier. And remember, nothing is written in stone. You can always move closer or back to Mexico if you want to.
Kirsten
Aloha Kirsten,
I’m 30 and moving from my home for the first time. I told my parents I’d be back in 4 months but I’m feeling guilty because I want to explore for a longer period than that. I want to be home for the bad but I don’t want to be there JUST for the bad. I’m thinking of not being able to spend time with my family, helping my aging parents and everything but I feel guilty that I might like the mainland so much I wouldn’t want to go back and if anything happened to my parents while I was away from home I’d probably literally shut down and never recover.
Hi Joshua,
Why feel guilty about something that hasn’t happened? Or may not happen? Take the trip and see what happens. But don’t waste any time worrying about something that may never be. Be present with your parents until you go away, and then just take one day at a time.
Good luck,
Kirsten
It’s 6:30am and I am ugly crying in my bed. I am 23 years old and have been very close to my sister (18) our whole lives.
I will have to move away for a university that is a 2 hour drive (or 3 hour train-ride) away from my parents and younger sister. By the time uni starts, I will be almost 24. I tried my best to avoid having to move out, but two attempted and dropped degrees later (at the uni in my home town), I do not see another way out than the university in the new town.
I have been planning this move for a year but the nearer the semester, the more separation anxiety I experience. My sister has expressed how sad my move makes her feel too, which makes me feel less ready to move away. I try to keep it rational, I took many day trips to that new city and it is manageable. I also know that if I were to want to drop everything and move back home, I would be welcomed with open arms by everyone.
But it still kills me.. I want my baby sister to never feel like she lost me or our childhood or our bond, or like I were gone. And I know that I will miss the daily contact and late night hangouts in my bedroom with her too- it just breaks my heart.
It also breaks my heart because I am moving in with my boyfriend into a nice place in the new town, yet I cannot get myself excited for it anymore. The pain of the thought of not being with my sister everyday anymore overweighs everything. I am just scared and sad and want everything to be the best for my little sister (and me) and to be there for her like I never left home 😭❤️
PS: we would most likely travel by train when visiting each other (3h ride), but I am very thankful for anyone who could tell me that 3h (=150km) one way is actually not such a long distance 🙁 ..
Hi Big Sis,
I am here to tell you that 2/3 hours is not such a long distance. You could even do that as a day trip and return late at night if you wanted to. And you certainly can do it over the weekends.
Moving away isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean you will lose that sisterly connection you have. You can talk every day and see each other every week. And you can video chat so you can still see each other, too. You can’t live with your family forever, but your bonds will never diminish.
Moving a few hours away can be good for you both. To gain a little independence while still maintaining such a close bond will prove just how important you are to each other but that you don’t have to live together to be that close.
You can do this!
Kirsten
Hi- It is nice to read all these perspectives. How does one do a long distance move for self and husband, to make our own lives better, when our children aged seven and nine have been really close to both sets of grandparents and cousins who live within a few miles and have also made friendships? How do we mitigate separation anxiety and all the aspects of forcing them to start a new life based on our desires? My father forced such a move on my own family, including four siblings, separating us from everything we loved, as did my husband’s father to him and so I am concerned that our collective psycology trends towards self comfort rather due to the trauma from those moves and both of us also being somewhat loners not wanting to get especially close to others again because of the hurt of those moves at such a young age when we did not have coping skills and shut ourselves off to cope with loss. I don’t want that for my children. I am concerned over negative impacts to their mental health but my husband is not. Am I being over concerned? Are we moving because we think a lifestyle change will change who we are and fill empty holes left from the childhood trauma of losing our lives as we knew them in a forced move because our own father’s wanted change? Help! We are thinking about moving somewhere in the EU so that all of Europe is open to exploration but are in early discussions.
Hi Angie,
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. I am honored you shared that here. Moving away is a massive decision, one that you know isn’t to be taken lightly. It’s also not for everyone. I wish I could answer you and give you comfort in making a decision but I can’t. We didn’t have children to think about when we moved so it’s a different situation. I hope whatever you and your husband decide will give you peace and the happiness you so deserve.
Hello!!
Currently, back in my hometown because I felt guilty about leaving the first time. I didn’t do it properly I left unexpectedly didn’t even get to say goodbye it was very impulsive. The guilt ate me up for a year so I had to come back… since coming back I feel good, much less guilt but still unhappy because it feels like I outgrew my hometown and the only reason I came back was because of guilt. It’s not the same here either . I think I’m going to move back soonish because I realized that guilt isn’t the greatest reason. I have to choose my life, I’m the only one living it and I have to chase what I feel . Thank you so much for creating this and sharing. I related to every single word you put out there. Insanely powerful
Hi Kewin, THANK YOU for the kindest words!
Guilt sucks. I’m sorry you’ve gone back and forth trying to figure out what’s right for you. But it sounds like you’ve learned and now know how to go about it. I wish you all the luck with whatever you decide to do!
Kirsten
Thank you for this. This made some tears running across my cheeks. I just moved to the other side of the world less than two weeks ago to be with my boyfriend. Due to the pandemic I don’t know when I can go back. I don’t feel guilty, but I feel sad leaving behind the place and people I grew up with. I just try to keep thinking that nothing is set in stone indeed and I can always (just not now ;)) go back to at least visit them. Thank you for writing this!
Hi Carla, Wow! Your move is so fresh. It’s going to hurt but it will get easier. I’ve been here for 8 years and I still struggle with the distance, especially now since visiting isn’t possible. Hang in there, enjoy your new adventure, and you are so right, nothing is written in stone.
Take care,
Kirsten
Thank you for your wise and insightful words on this topic, Feeling all the “feels” today of not being “home” for many family gatherings and celebrations. And yet being honest with myself that if I were “home”, I would be irritated by it too lol. Reading your blog today has helped me to own the emotions, and hit the reset button. I am living a wonderful life as an ex-pat with my husband and three dogs, have full support from our adult children, and most of my guilt is coming from my own head. I will continue to follow your journey, and really, just wanted to say thank you.
Hi A,
You are so welcome. Missing the “good stuff” is difficult. And our own guilt, that we create, is far worse than guilt anyone else puts on us. Hang in there and keep reminding yourself how fab your life is! There will always be ups and downs so just ride the wave!
I am moving away from my family in around a month with my Boyfriend and our 4 dogs to start somewhere new! My family isn’t happy (his family hates to see us go but is happy for us!) but it’s been around a week now since we’ve told them and my mom is already planning to come visit us. Some days it’s harder and she calls me crying asking why we want to leave, but just like your blog post- I have to do this for me.
Thank you so much for putting all my thoughts during this time into words! This post was amazing to read and opened my eyes even more and I know will help in the process of moving away from my family even 9 hours away still in the US. It helps knowing i’m not the only one who has gone through this or currently going through it.
Hi Amanda,
You are def not the only one (just read the comments from the original post as well as this one). There are so many of us who struggle with the guilt, but you have to live for you. Congrats on taking the first step and remember, nothing is written in stone.
Good luck!
K
I live interstate from my mum, and was lucky to visit before another lockdown hit. Some of the reasons I moved because I was unhappy in my hometown, it was Groundhog Day I was travelling nearly 2 hours each way to get to work due to a lack of job opportunities in my hometown. I didn’t see a happy future there. Then One day I was fortunate to meet someone amazing who also wanted to travel like me, and with COVID hitting I am glad we did many trips overseas.
But being based interstate (4 hour plane ride) The guilt is real, my mum always says things like ‘I don’t have anyone to do xyz’ with, even though she is very social. Comments like ‘you live so far away’, ‘I’m used to being alone’ come up a lot too. For 3 years, I visited mum every month, I always call regularly, we have done holidays together and have made sure she is never alone for Xmas etc but it’s still not enough, and she never visits me.
You tips about dealing with guilt are great but often it’s tough, because it feels like it’s my fault because I left. Your story is awesome, and definitely helps me to feel like I’m not a bad person!
Oh Bel, you are not a bad person for following your happiness. Sadly, your mom doesn’t get that. Of course, it is about love that she wants you near but it’s also manipulative to make you feel bad about your choices. My mom isn’t happy that we are away, I know that and she’ll be the first one to say it. But she’ll follow that up with, “But I know how happy you are and that makes me happy.” So maybe try to talk to your mom about how those comments make you feel terrible. And that you are happy where you are, you miss her, but you are happy, and doesn’t she want that for you? It’s a tough road being apart, especially when Covid stops you from seeing her. Hang in there and know you are not a bad person at all. You are just a person trying to lead a happy life of her own!
Hi Kristen,
Hubby and I have two girls under 4 years old. Hubby has osteoarthritis and working a regular job is very hard on him. To make matters more stressful, he lost a job opportunity because of the pandemic. Now we will be moving far away where the cost of living is a bit cheaper and purchase investment properties so we can get passive income and not be broke. When broke the news to my dad, he threw a massive fit and guilt tripped me. Almost bribed me to leave hubby. My dad is a widower and I feel guilty to leave him so far away from me, but I can’t give my girls a good life if I stay. I will struggle to get them through higher education in 17 years. I will struggle for a pension. If we move, hubby and I can get multiple properties, rent them out and wait to appreciate in value and sell to cover the cost of education wherever and whatever the girls wish to study. We can be snowbirds and travel Mexico and back so that my husband doesn’t have to suffer through Canadian winters (and I get to swim in warm weather). I promised mamá that I will look after papá and never abandon him but he won’t move with us either. I’m torn and guilty, but my girls and husband’s financial security are important.
Hi Anna,
It’s such a hard situation to be in. Hopefully, your dad will come around a bit as he gets used to the idea. My Gram told me not to leave until she died so I understand how hard it is. Having to choose between people you love is brutal. But you have to do what’s right for you and your hubs/kids so hang in there and know you are not alone.
My situation is slightly different. My husband and I moved 5 hrs away so that our son with CF could get better healthcare and enjoy a better life. Our college aged daughter decided to stay in Atlanta with her dad, my ex. I never dreamed she would not move with us but she said she couldn’t leave her dad. Anyway, she now has a baby and makes me feel guilty for being far away. We love our new city but I do feel the guilt and feel like I have to hide my happiness from her. Should we move back?
Hi Angie, You are in such a difficult situation. I’m sorry you are going through that. Guilt is so powerful. But at the end of the day, you’ll have to figure out what makes your heart the happiest. I wish you the best of luck.
K
First time I left home it was all about excitement and joy for what was awaiting for me and I didn’t feel guilt. Last year I moved back for a bit so I can prepare my next move but the covid hit and I’ve been back home for over a year now. Now it’s time to move again I’m feeling the guilt more so before thinking about my dad living alone. Luckily he’s got his group of tennis friends or friends to invite over but still it feels bad. I also feel bad for living with dad and not mum when they split when I was 13. Mum was young (16years younger than Dad) and was a native English speaker. (Dad wasn’t ) so I chose to live with dad who needed more help but to this date I feel bad and can’t imagine how torn my mother would have been (though we speak almost everyday )
Any way this post has lifted my heart and reassured me my life is about my happiness and things will work out.
Thank you ❤️
Hi J,
You’ve really had to make some tough decisions. Especially as a kid. But you are right to remember your happiness and how important that is too! Leaving is hard no matter how you look at it, just hang in there and keep in close contact with your family from afar. That really helps.
Kirsten
Hi Kirsten,
I love this post! It came at the perfect time. I’m also relocating to KL at some point in the near future (just waiting on work visa to get processed etc.) I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about leaving my family, especially my dad who isn’t well. I just lost an uncle as well so things are just extra emotional right now. On top of a pandemic lol.
I appreciate your perspective and will keep reminding myself of these things when I feel myself second guessing these big life decisions that I’m doing. I always keep the perspective that you should always try to be doing what you love and I think sometimes that conflicts with the love you have for your family and always wanting to be close by. But you’re right about only living once and if not now when? So thank you for the reminder!
I love following this blog. I found it when I made the decision to move to KL and it’s been fun getting different perspectives of Malaysia. Definitely getting excited about the whole thing!
PS love your mom’s comments 🙂
Hi Ashley,
Thank you so much! And (almost) welcome to KL. When you come to Penang, we’ll show you around!
You put it perfectly – do what you love and just know that conflict will always arise when you love people. Whether it’s conflicting because they don’t agree with your move or because your mind says go but your heart says stay. Even after you make a decision, the battle between head and heart might still show up.
Just ride out those moments. That’s all you can do.
I am sorry to hear about your uncle. There is never a good time to make a move, my stepfather died just a few months before our move. Hang in there.
Take care,
K
Thanks so much for this. I’ve just broken the news to my parents about our (my fiancé and I ) plans to eventually move to Costa Rica in the next few years. We live in NY. It did not go well, with the biggest guilt trip, citing ?bad healthcare over there to who’s going to take care of my still dependent adult brother when they pass on. Really laying it on thick. There’s a lot of things we’re learning about moving abroad so we’re not rushing into it but making sure we’re prepared. They say they’re worried me being happy in CR but it sounds like this move is threatening their happiness. It’s a scary thing for them but exciting for me. But I feel regret and resentment would be scarier.
Hi Valerie, First of all, we love CR and might just be there ourselves soon. But more importantly, bravo to you for standing your ground no matter how thick that guilt is. You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. And no one is responsible for yours. I love that you are taking charge of your life. Stay strong and keep in touch!
Hi Kirsten,
Loved both of your articles, can relate so much. Leaving your hometown and spreading your wings I feel is a longing for a lot of us. Just wanted to ask if you think you would ever have any intention of moving back once your mum is maybe a bit older/frailer? I’m in a difficult situation now where my dad isn’t very well and I’m living over 10,000 miles away, not really sure what the right decision is and covid is making “visits” near impossible so feel like it’s an all or nothing decision at the moment.. It’s a unique situation so would be eager to hear another point of view.
Hi Tina,
Thank you. At the moment, we don’t envision ever moving back. It is more likely that we will bring her to Penang (or where ever we are living) when/if that time comes. Her quality of life would be better here where we could have full-time live-in help if need be.
I believe that covid will be under control soon which would make your visits back home more likely. But it depends on how unwell your dad is. I can’t imagine the head and heart battle you must be going through with your dad not being well. I wish you luck with whatever you decide.
Such a great article! Having two family members that have moved across the world, I can relate to so much of your article as I am sure they would be able to, too. The coping works both ways and you have covered it very well.
Hi Alma, Thank you! You are so right, the coping works both ways. Everyone hurts and everyone moves forward. No one gets out unscathed when loved ones move away. But if you didn’t care about them, you wouldn’t hurt so much. Isn’t it nice to know there is so much love?
Another terrific blog post. While we haven’t been able to leave yet, that is our plan as soon as travel re-opens. Leave the family, the job, the house and our friends behind in search of what we do not know (yet).
Yes, we are dealing with a little guilt. Our parents have passed on. Our children are all adults and it is time for us to do something for ourselves. We ask ourselves “are we being selfish in wanting to leave toexplore the world and possibly find a new home?” Which is another way of asking are we deserving of the freedom to choose a life for ourselves after caring for family and friends for the majority of our lives.
This very honest post raises those questions that have been lurking in the shadows of my mind. I will need to re-read it a few more times to let it really sink in. Much appreaciated!
Thank you so much, William.
You nailed it with this comment, “…are we deserving of the freedom to choose a life for ourselves after caring for family and friends for the majority of our lives!” When is it time to choose YOU?
I love the path of discovery that you are on. It’s all part of the process. When you do get to explore and you do find that next place, you’ll feel even more confident in the decision to choose you.
Hi sweetie, another outstanding post. I hVe not moved away ,but you did. As family we go through all those same feelings that you do when you move away. You will be missed at all those family events
And of course I miss not being able to call and say help me find a pair of Jeans that fit!
Our emotions are all over the place. But I have to stop and think this
Is not my life and the guilt I would carry if you didn’t follow your
Dreams, would be so very hard for me to live with. I miss you like crazy, but I am comforted by the thought that you feel that you have
Made the right choice for you. Of course texting and f e time has been a god send foe us.
Remember what I told you before you left after mounds of tears.
I gave you ROOTS and WINGS. Roots to plant you firmly on the
Ground to be your own person and Wings to fly when you feel it’s
time. Whether it be moving around the block, to another city, or
Half way across the world. That choice is yours! Be Happy!!
Love You Me
Hi Mom,
THAT is reason 4,563,568,901 why I love you. You are the most amazing mother. You are strong, loving, and supportive and I’m the luckiest. Love you beyond!
I have been an expat for 26 years now. In many ways I just stumbled in to the expat way of life. After a 12 year career in the Royal Air Force I was working for a UK based airline where job security wasn’t looking good. A friend was Director of Flight Operations at Royal Brunei Airlines at the time and I was offered a 3 year contract to live and work in Brunei. Brunei and I seemed to like each other so three years, became six years, became nine years. I was then offered a job in Singapore that I just couldn’t turn down. By then I also had (and still have) a Malaysian wife. Eight wonderful years in Singapore was followed by another 8 in Dubai before Covid-19 came along, trashed my industry and in Sep 2020 caused my redundancy. Choices were to take my family (we had a young daughter by then) to UK or head to our holiday condo in Malaysia and turn it into our permanent home. We took the latter option and we will be happy enough once our condo renovations are complete and the MCO is relaxed. Both my parents died several years ago and I never had any brothers or sisters so family pressure or guilt is not really a factor for me. That said, I do miss the small town where I grew up and, thanks to social media, I maintain links with many people from the area. This is a double edged sword as it is obviously very nice to keep in touch but it also keeps the homesickness feelings smouldering. I have no doubt that if we did go to live in UK there would be a big gap between my expectations and reality which would require a significant mental reset – just as was required when I first became an expat in 1996. I hope to deal with any negative feelings by having the occasional break back in UK and by inviting selected close friends to come and visit us in Malaysia.
Nowhere is perfect but, until we find somewhere that is, Malaysia will do nicely.
I really enjoyed your take on the expat situation Richard! I had elderly parents and three adult kids in Australia but believed we needed a change in lifestyle. Also being part of the aviation world( although now luckily retired) meant my children were all used to travelling- indeed now one lives permanently in a Hong Kong. They were happy with our decision because we knew biannual visits would be a factor. Like you Covid has destroyed that and we have to rely on FaceTime chats for the time being. After three years in Penang I doubt we’ll be going back to Australia any time soon- the lifestyle is just so different and exciting. I miss my kids a lot but they have their own lives to lead now and. I brought them up to be independent and adventurous so ( except for not seeing my extremely elderly parents which is tough) our expat life is really a wonderful win -win situation. Seize the day- life is short! We have never regretted our decision.
Hi Chele, Covid blew up all the world’s plans and put a lot into perspective. There will always be feelings of heartbreak when we can’t see our family. But as you wrote, we have to seize the day, TODAY! Not some day, today!
XO,
K
Hi Richard,
Thank you for sharing! What an exciting expat journey you’ve had! And welcome back to Malaysia. Where in Malaysia are you? I think it is impossible not to miss all the countries we’ve lived in. But it can’t stop you from moving forward. Visits back to the UK and select friends joining you here will def make settling in easier. I’m always happy to go back to the US for a visit, but I’m just as happy to return to Penang when the time comes. Don’t get me wrong, actually leaving the US and saying goodbye AGAIN, is a real heartbreaker that I’ll never get used to. It doesn’t get easier for me. But once I’m mid-air, I settle back into my happy thoughts of Penang life.